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Tough Love: Helpful or Hurtful?

By: Michael Plahn

‘Tough Love’ has been recommended for families affected by addiction and untreated mental illness for years.  It has been the catalyst for greatly improving the lives of people I know very well.  I have also seen this backfire and become the impetus for further misery and even tragedy.

I see this topic divide, fragment, and many times disintegrate families.  What is the best approach for you and your family?  Only you (and your family) can make those decisions.  You have to live with the decisions and the repercussions of your actions.

For sake of example, let’s use the case of Paul, a 24 year-old male who has suffered from what Mom calls Depression (but he has never been diagnosed by an appropriate professional) and abused alcohol & drugs since he was 16 years-old.  He has been to two local Outpatient Addiction Treatment programs (for alcohol, cocaine, and opiate abuse) in the past five years.  However, after completion of each program, he relapsed each time within weeks of discharge.  Paul, currently unemployed, lives with his mother, father and younger sister (Angela 17 years-old).  Paul is verbally abusive to his entire family at times, and is currently using opiates (Vicodin, Oxycontin, and heroin), cocaine, and alcohol.

Dad, loves his son, but is frustrated and wants Paul out of the house unless he is sober and holds a full-time job.  Mom is upset with her son’s behavior, but concerned for Paul’s safety if she does not help him.  She cannot bear to see her baby boy “in the streets.” Paul manipulatively threatens, “if you throw me out, I’ll likely get killed in the streets.”  Angela loves her brother, but they rarely speak anymore.  Mom and Dad have warred for years over Paul and what to do for him and with him.  First Dad was supportive, but now he is intolerant and has begun to detach from the family.  There is a constant state of tension, but silence in the home and the parents’ relationship has suffered significantly.  Mom and Dad do not interact much, but if they do it is typically a verbal battle about Paul.

What should this family do?  I know individuals who were asked (in a ‘Tough Love’ approach) to either accept help and enter a reputable treatment facility (such as PromisesCaron, or Treatment Solutions Network approved programs), or leave the family home immediately.  That was just the beginning, but many are now happy and living amazing drug-free lives for several years.  They credit their parents’ refusal to allow them to live in the family home unless they were sober (and some gainfully employed) as the key event that lead to their long-term recovery.  Some were even required to take random drug screens as a condition to stay under their parents’ roof.  These individuals would tell Mom and Dad to “Kick Paul out if he is not willing to enter an appropriate treatment facility OR immediately stop using, attend 12-Step Meetings, and have a full-time job in a week.”

But, is that really the appropriate solution for this scenario with Paul and his family?  Will it work?  It’s not that simple.  Addiction and mental illness are much more complex issues than they may appear.  Honestly, if Paul could stop on his own, he likely would have long ago (there is very little fleeting pleasure at that stage of addiction).  True, there are success stories with a rigid consequential approach, but this can also be a very dangerous approach for some individuals.  Richard Rawson, associate director of UCLA Integrated Substance Abuse Programs claimed in a piece by ABC-News that coercive or confrontational approaches actually push the afflicted away from treatment.

Trust me, this could be an extremely complicated situation.  What works for one individual or their family may not have the same result for Paul’s family (or yours for that matter).  Let’s say that Paul was physically abused by his uncle (when Paul was 8-9 years-old).  What if he had a physical handicap during adolescence and as a result he was ridiculed and teased by his peers?  Either of these issues could change this situation significantly and may make Paul much more fragile than the family realizes.

These examples of underlying trauma are also likely to affect his ability to find long-term recovery.  If they are not addressed, it is likely that Paul will struggle and repeat dysfunctional patterns.  There is significant research that shows an extremely high percentage of addicted persons have also experienced some level of trauma  (which may be an underlying issue propelling the addiction).  At The Meadows, a facility that specializes in treating underlying causes of addiction such as trauma, they understand this reality.  Sadly, many people, minimize the significance of how trauma can negatively affect treatment outcomes and long-term recovery efforts.

If you were Paul’s Mom, I would recommend that you engage a qualified objective professional who can assist in determining an appropriate treatment facility and executing a compassionate loving process to intervene on your son. A competent professional would suggest solutions for the entire family’s treatment, not just Paul.  Granted, I’m biased, but LSA’s Pre-Treatment Solution is an ideal fit for this family’s situation.

There may be good reason to protect yourself and others in your home by asking an afflicted family member, who is acting dangerously, to leave.  But, as mentioned, this is more complicated than many well-meaning lay-people realize.  If you are going to embrace a ‘Tough Love’ stance, then please make sure you have professional guidance, that the family agrees as a group not to cave under manipulation, and become willing to accept the potential consequences of your ‘Tough Love’ approach.

 

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Are the “Big Six” Your Key to Health and Happiness? Part 2 of 6

Post by Michael Plahn

This is the second installment of a six-part series to describe what I believe is the key to health and happiness as I have learned and personally experienced.  It is doubtful that each of these areas will be controversial, and when followed, the changes that I will suggest have proven without fail to help every one of my clients, when they take the suggested actions.  In just six installments, you may have the answer to achieve optimal health just by reading the LifeSkills Authorities Blog. With the goal to help identify the keys to optimal health for my own life and clients, I have read books, attended classes, acquired certifications, and listened to lectures by amazing individuals.  What I have learned through countless hours of studying, learning, and experimenting, can be summarized in a simple acronym: “TBHealthy Never Eat Carrots.”  That’s it you ask?   Here’s what the acronym TBHNEC actually stands for:

  • Thoughts
  • Breathing
  • Hydration
  • Nutrition
  • Exercise
  • Circadian Rhythm

Today the topic is exercise.  This is a monster topic and I am asked about this area by virtually everyone who hears that I have worked in and have extensive training in the fitness profession.  The typical question that I am asked is, “what should I do for a workout or exercise routine?”  For any of you who are trained in personal training, kinesiology, physical therapy, corrective exercise, or holistic lifestyle coaching, you know that this is a very complex question.  The answer requires complex and comprehensive assessments with the programs being different for most people.

First, in my opinion, based on my experience, exercise is not necessarily about lifting the most, working the hardest, perspiring the most, and feeling as though you have “really worked hard.”  Those who are properly trained or educated know that exercise is a stress to the body.  Some may view it as a “good stress” as I have heard it called, but is this really true?  Well, it could be from one perspective.  However, it is essential to realize that exercise is a stressor to the body.

Big deal, what does that mean?  It means that you need proper rest, nutrients, hydration, as well as proper healing time to compensate for the stress you put on your body as a result of exercise.  Thus, if you are not eating properly, sleep poorly, have relationship and career problems, and your posture is putting a constant strain on your system, and you ask me “what type of workouts should I do,” then after a series of assessments, the type of exercise I would likely recommend for you would be vastly different than if you have proper hydration, nutrition, sleep, relaxation, and your musculoskeletal system was in balance.  It just makes sense when you look at it at this basic level, doesn’t it?

Just walking for 20-30 minutes outside at a leisurely pace may be plenty or even too much exercise for many people.  It depends on a variety of factors, some of which I just mentioned.  As you can likely guess, to properly answer the common question of “what should I do for my workouts” depends not just on the individual’s goals, but also on the numerous factors that must be assessed to recommend the proper exercise routine.  I have found tremendous success personally and with my willing clientele if there is a willingness to look at the entire lifestyle and be open to making minor tweaks or maybe major changes in different areas.  This holistic view of health is where I have seen true lasting positive changes not just in fitness levels, fat and weight loss, but also in health, the way the body looks, and how we feel physically and emotionally.

One of the worst things a so-called “fitness professional” can do is prescribe or write a fitness program for someone without knowing salient details about the person’s life.  We are a culture of impatient, out-of-shape people who want dramatic change…and we want it now!  We are also a people who believe in excess.  Put all this together and you have millions of Americans with the good intentions of getting “healthy or in-shape,” who are struggling.  They are failing to meet their goals, frustrated, starting to believe they cannot change, maybe even getting depressed as a result, and then finding dysfunctional ways to deal with all these negative results.

People join gyms, buy quick fix products off of late-night television or at the local sporting goods store, and buy one of the hundreds of fitness magazines sold, to find the newest “sure-to-work” or  “customized” exercise routine.  You know what I have seen as a result of this?  People who join those gyms may stop going after a month or two.  Many who do exercise and use the plans they cut out of fitness magazines or implement tips they see on television, get poor results or short-lasting gains.  Some individuals make short-term progress, but cannot seem to stay on course to attain their goals for the long-term.  Many people hire well-meaning personal trainers.  Unfortunately, many of these trainers do not have the proper level of experience to understand how to look at the entire person and their lifestyle.  Subsequently, instead of partnering up with someone with the proper education and clinical experience, they write improper fitness routines for their excited new clients.  This leads to injury, incomplete results, decreased self-esteem, and potentially life-threatening recommendations.   Why are these the common patterns?

People spend billions of dollars on poorly designed, but brilliantly marketed, fitness equipment with claims that it will change your body (and seem to imply your life) in six weeks.  In no time, that equipment packs second hand stores and garage sales if it is not at the local dump.  But, you know what?  The fitness industry is getting bigger and more profitable by the day while our country is getting fatter, more discouraged, and more sedentary at the same time.

This does NOT have to happen to you.  If you believe that you are financially unable to engage with a competent qualified professional, but have the sincere, desire to change, then ask them for help.  You may be surprised to find that those who are the best at what they do in the fitness business, have a sincere desire to help others and will likely find a way to help you improve your life in some way.

To summarize, here is my suggestion to you.  Hire a qualified competent professional who understands how to look at your entire lifestyle to help you take the actions that will produce lasting change.  Interview them before you hire them.  If they don’t ask about your entire life and lifestyle thoroughly, and take detailed assessments, or partner with individuals who can do the proper assessments, then do not hire them.  If you do not have the money, ask yourself the hard question, “How much is your life really worth to you?”  Then see if you have the money to invest in yourself.  You may suddenly find that it’s pouring outside and its time to use that “rainy day fund.”

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Deadlier than Cocaine, Heroin or Swine Flu?

Post by Sarah Wilde

Forget swine flu!   Dr. Joseph Mercola is calling for the CDC to raise a Pandemic Level 6 warning for Prescription Drug abuse, as it is becoming a growing killer in our country.   As posted on today’s Mercola.com, there is a largely unrecognized new epidemic in our country — prescription painkiller addiction that is leading to more fatalities by overdose than the prior top killers cocaine and heroin.

Leonard Paulozzi of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that prescription drugs cause most of the more than 26,000 fatal overdoses each year.

The number of overdose deaths from opioid painkillers more than tripled from 1999 to 2006, to 13,800 deaths that year, according to recently released CDC statistics.

Something needs to be done.   With more and more Americans turning to drugs for every ache and pain, and doctors prescribing a plethora of pills, the population is at risk for developing dependencies that can lead to chronic addiction.  According to Robert DuPont, a former White House drug czar and former director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, “The biggest and fastest-growing part of America’s drug problem is prescription drug abuse.  The statistics are unmistakable.”

Dr. Mercola offers a number of alternatives to prescription painkillers for finding relief from pain.  These are key components of recovery programs at LSA and include simple changes such as taking a high-quality, animal-based omega-3, reducing grains and sugars from your diet, and restructuring your diet based on your body’s unique nutritional type.

A holistic program is key for individuals in recovery – as it is now more than ever crucial to be aware of what you are putting in your body.

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Contents on LifeSkillsAuthorities.com including any images, text, external links, graphics or any other material posted on this website is intended solely for informational purposes. The information contained herein is written by non-medical professionals and not a substitute for professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis of any disease or disability. Please seek advice from a qualified medical professional with any questions that you may have regarding your physical or mental health condition(s). If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or any other medical emergency, dial 911 or visit your local emergency room immediately. The thoughts and views expressed here are not necessarily those of LifeSkills Authorities, its owners, employees, or management.